Hardison's Trip to Cheyenne Mountain
by SpecialHell
Summary: "You never know when you might have to fight an alien." Weird cracky story my brain came up with. Enjoy.


Hardison looked around the gunmetal grey room with undisguised fear. This was finally it. He was going to jail for the rest of forever, and there was nothing he could do about it. The comms weren't working down here, and there was no way the others would be able to tap into a security system even he'd had serious trouble with.

The only door in the small room opened, and in strode two men. They were similar in height; one had salt 'n' pepper hair and a wiry frame, the other was sandy haired and of a medium build. The sandy haired man wore wire-rimmed glasses. Hardison's nervousness made him want to start speaking immediately, but he remembered from Eliot that the best thing to do was be silent. Mr Salt 'n' Pepper closed the door and pulled the chair opposite Hardison out. He dropped into it and levelled his gaze at Hardison. Mr. Sandy stood behind the chair and off to Hardison's left. Hardison looked from one man to the other and gulped.

"So," the sitting man speaks. "You don't work here."

Hardison looked between the men again. "Umm…"

"Umm?" sitting man looked taken aback. "You've been caught in a top secret quadrant of a restricted government building without clearance, and all you can say is 'Ummm'?"

Hardison's eyes widened. "Well…"

"Well!" the man laughed. "At lease we've moved on to actual words," he leaned forward. "Let me clarify something for you. You're looking at jail time; serious jail time in a very dark prison reserved for the kind of people the government doesn't want talking to anyone. Am I clear, here?"

Hardison thought he might throw up as the man glared at him. His companion stepped forward with an amused but compassionate expression. "Jack."

'Jack' looked up at his partner with an expression that said they'd done this many times before. "Daniel?"

"Maybe we should offer our guest a drink?"

"Guest?" Hardison couldn't help cutting in. "I thought I was under arrest."

"Well, you are, sorta," Daniel explained. "We haven't formally taken you into custody yet because we need some information."

"Information?"

"Who you're working for, what they want, that sort of thing," Jack answered.

"Does that mean I get to make a phone call?" Hardison asked, hope rising.

Jack looked like he was about to refuse, when Daniel gave him another impatient look. Jack sighed. "Sure." At this Daniel opened the door and spoke quietly to the guard outside. A few moments of tense silence later, and the guard brought in a telephone. Jack put it in front of Hardison. "It's a secured line, so don't try anything."

Hardison took the phone and dialled the only number he thought could help.

"_I thought we were taking a vacation."_

"Oh thank god you're home. Listen, I'm in trouble."

"_I figured that much when you called me. Where are you?"_

"Cheyenne Mountain."

"_Dammit Hardison! What are you doing in a place like that?"_

"I was doing some recon for a case, and I got turned around. I pressed 27 instead of 24 and now-"

"_27? Hardison, you got caught on level 27?"_

"Uh, yeah."

"_Hardison, listen to me. Are there two people in the room with you right now?"_

"Yes."

"_One kind of sarcastic, one who looks like he doesn't know why he puts up with him?"_

"Yeah. Eliot, how-?"

Jack and Daniel shared a look as Jack mouthed 'Eliot?'

"_Give the phone to Jack."_

Hardison looked confused to a moment before handing the phone to Jack. "It's for you."

Jack took the phone. "Hello?"

"_Jack, it's me."_

Jack put the phone on speaker before speaking again. "Spencer. I take it the gentleman in front of me is one of yours?"

"Uh, hi, Eliot." Daniel called out.

"_Daniel."_

"You wanna tell us what you're friend is doing down here?" Jack asked.

"_It was a mistake. He doesn't even know what's down there, I guarantee it."_

"Yes I do know what's down here," Hardison cut in. "I'm down here! Can we please move on to how we're going to make it so I'm not down here anymore?"

"_Hardison, calm down. Jack, listen to me."_

"Listening."

"_I know this line is monitored, so I'm going to be as clear as I can. Hardison is as important to me as Daniel is to you." _Jack and Daniel shared a look at this; which Hardison watched with curiosity. _"He doesn't know anything, and he wasn't snooping around you guys on purpose."_

"Exactly!" Hardison added.

"So where were you trying to snoop?" Daniel asked.

Hardison tensed up; unsure of what he could say. From the speakerphone Eliot said _"It's ok, Hardison. You can talk to them."_

"I was going to level 24," Hardison started to explain. "There's a general who works on that level; he's been using his station to… well, to do very bad things, let's just say that."

"And you were looking for a way to take him down." Jack guessed.

"Yeah," Hardison nodded. "I wanted to get into his personal computer and download some files I was told would implicate him. It was meant to be an easy job; a favour for a friend, but y'all got some confusing signs down here. I got all turned around, started following the wrong colour line and the next thing I know, your burly man-beast was pushing me in here."

Hardison heard Eliot chuckle. _"Man-beast? I take it he met Teal'c."_

"Figures he'd have a name like Teal'c. I was half expecting him to have bumps all over his forehead."

"_He's not a Klingon, Hardison."_

Hardison opened his mouth, as if to ask another question, but thought better of it and instead asked "can I go now?"

"No," Jack replied. "You can't go now. But Eliot can come and pick you up."

"_Give me two hours and I'll be there."_

"You still have your security clearance?" Daniel asked.

"_Yeah."_ Nobody had a chance to speak again, as Eliot hung up.

"So…" Hardison looked once again to the two men. "Any chance I can get some lunch?"

The End.


End file.
